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im down to three cup o noodle and some uncooked rice and dry cereal.
we have a safty meeting today at work and they usually go out and buy food for it... i totally took two bagels and some granola bars in a bag and went back up to my desk. If there is anything left after the meeting im taking that too (hopefully the milk for the dry cereal i have at home)
come tomarrow i will be getting paid and im so throwing my whole packcheck at my credit card.
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Take me in your arms..
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i dont qualify for foodstamps and im too embarrised to go to the food pantrys.
my credit card is maxed out.
and non of my family knows.
i feel as if im going to freak the fuck out.
why dont i have any money?
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2 kisses and you Take me in your arms..
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Wednesday, June 24th, 2009
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im trying not to have a total mental brake down it is not easy.
Shit completly got away from me. Bottom line.
i have $4000 on my credit card plus owe my grandparents another $750... The utter fucking shame that i had to ask them for money is really really killing me. Like dead to no end.
so im almost $5000 in the hole right now.
I have $1400 in savings and $124 in checking. as well as $300 in cash stashed at my tattoo/ bodymod funds.
It feels like i have ZERO dollars.
i get paid friday BUT i have to turn around and put all that money and then some from savings to rent on the first. I need to cut some serious costs in my life NOW. Major being i guess is cable at the moment. Easy $60 right there. But soon ill have to be covering my own cellphone bill so i will be where i left off.
I tthink i just want to magically pay everything off right now this minute BUT im scared if a throw either a larg amount of money at my creditcard or pay back my grandmother my cash fun for a newish car is gone and my car is going to brake down right then and there. and god knows unless i do throw it at my creditcard then i have nothing to fix it with. >.< It hurts. my head freakin hurts.
i wish i had something to fall bck on. i wishi had a home to move back into. I wish alot of things
right now i wish money wasnt an issue
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1 kiss and you Take me in your arms..
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i will find inner peace, i will find inner peace, i will find inner peace.
man im so fucking angry at my cousin/roomate. I swear i should be having steam come out of my ears right now im so angry.
Iv been trying to let alot of the small stuff go, i really have but so much small stuff is just gaining momentum into being really big stuff.
The dishes, the lack of cleaning, the lack of unpacking, the lack of take the garbage out. The lack of well just about everything. and mostly her respect for my sleep. I swear to god im sick and tired of every time her boyfriend comes over they start fighting. Yelling at each other waking my ass up or having friends over and talk talk talk talk talk until around 4:30 a goddamn half hour before i get up on my own for work they go to sleep. I fucking made sure i slammed every damn door i could on my way out.
im trying not to play games but everything in my body is urging me to be fucking mean. To take the vcr and dvd player out of the common room for my own use in my own room. Its mine by the way. Or taking my blowdryer back from her that i let her barrow until she got a new one... 5 months ago. Or just plane cancling the cable to the apartment since i dont watch TV anymore and its in my name. Hell that would save me LOADS of money actually. If she wants fucking cable she can put it in her god damn name (though she has really horrible credit so it would be interesting if she could)
i feel like prank calling the house all morning to make sure since i didnt get sleep last night, she wont be able to today either
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1 kiss and you Take me in your arms..
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who is this very scary man?
my dad.
out of prison.
who has a facebook- already.
wanting to reconnect.
im floored to say the least.
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2 kisses and you Take me in your arms..
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Thursday, June 11th, 2009
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its crazy how often im actually on live journal but dont really update. its become my information gathering source mostly. I come on to read about up to date information about MAC makeup even though my interest in it has dropped so much. I read the bellydance communites to see whats up in the world of dance, mostly though thats only when tribe. net is down or i need a more sourceful answer from experinced dancers.
Iv returend myself back to project shapshift... there i document my daily lifes ups and down and can also focuse on some other underlining issues i am trying to work out with myself. Im surrounded by simi like minded people though can't say illmake any life long friends. But you never know.
Facebook has been a world of entertainment for me- recently iv met up with some old friends from highschool i havent seen in years, one of the girls being someone iv known for around 20 years now. It was enjoyable and made me feel soical. Slightly feel back in touch with another girl from middle school, though it makes me sad that life for her since then hasnt been that great. I dont feel too bad though because im a firm believer that if you mess around with drugs and alcohol you need to accept all responiblity that comes along with it- good or bad. Not to say i havent had my share pills, powders and injestables, even smoke-able(?) but was smart or just scared enough to stay away from injectable substances..
like always im not really sure where i am getting with an update like this. my day to day life is fine. a bit poor though, i still owe my grandmother $700 for when i thought i was going to lose my job. Im now enrolled into two dance classes, Bellydance of course. again. One being in Pacifica. It Still makes my skin craw driving around that town and being flooded with so many memories. Currently working on Zill patterns in both while moving. My blonde truely shines...
and i need to stop lieing to myself. Being in a relationship for the sole reason to have someone to fuck is no better than just going out and fucking.
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Take me in your arms..
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Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
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Thursday, April 9th, 2009
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There is a girl in one of my communities that’s a constant reminder of what an epic failure I am. What the fuck am I doing with my life? Why do I suck so bad at the profession I went to school for over 4 years for. I need to get better some how… I need to get my shit together some how. Need to learn better cuts, more styles and practice and practice… I need an unlimited amount of heads. Male and female alike. How at 23 can I feel like such a failure. Its because I made all the wrong choices in life. When I got my license I should have gotten my ass in a salon right away.. one that would have actually trained me in something other than this bullshits at Supercuts, I learn as I go trial and error getting people pissed off like no ones bussniess. Making mistakes makes me feel like shit on people that had no idea they where coming.
I guess first step is to go through some sort of more refined teaching for mens haircuts.. ghetto or not… humph!.
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1 kiss and you Take me in your arms..
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omg im having freakin panic attacks about giving men fades... holyfuckingchrist if another guy asks me for a fade again im going to freak, spiecally since there is no hard and fast rules for fades to begin with. THEY ALL LOOK FUCKING DIFFRNET.
im about to spend fucking over a $100 for a video set thats supposed to help me with current fades, blowouts (wtf are those?) and other fucking ghetto ass haircuts that i seem to be getting at cheap ol supercuts. Goddamn gangster bitches, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CHAIR!
how i wish i could say such things.
anyone want a free fade? god help me.
honestly i should really just bite the bullet and go to barbering school but the best school is in san francisco in the tenderloin area. HA!.... scary for a little white girl. *cries*
the shit im puttiing myself through just to open my own place some day... i swear im going to work myself to death.
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5 kisses and you Take me in your arms..
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Wednesday, March 11th, 2009
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been coughing up some all kinds of nasty. makes my chest heavy and tired. most of last night i was keeping myself up because of the coughing and now its sore. i wonder if i have something worse than a cold. Im lagging a bit here at work, had a bad morning. got to work late. didnt get coffee so im falling asleep here at my desk thinking that i have a 13 hour work day. ugh. is it really worth the extra $40 after work. thats how much i make. on a shift after the water department. with out tips and before taxes. oh well, no one knows how much longer this water department job is going to last for.
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Take me in your arms..
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Oh salon work, how I have avoided you for so long. Now its time I get over myself and start the grunt labor from no where else but supercuts. Go corporate! Had been traveling to San Leandro for the past 5 days for training and got my certificate and passed my class with a 92%. I guess that’s good? Not sure. I certainly do feel a BIT better about performing men’s haircuts but when a customer actually has to spit up $20 I guess it’s when my nerve will actually be tested. Bring on everything else except the A-line (still need more practice for evenness) So if you are in the area, stop by. (650) 992-3747: Supercuts; 3911 Alemany Blvd Ste 1003; San Francisco, CA 94132. Its behind the Daly City Bart station- little shopping center. I work the 7th, 11th and 14th right now. In other news I told seth he could go fuck himself more or less. The last straw was cooking dinner and having him not call be back. If im going to sleep with anyone, a little respect is in order after two years- sesh. Possible hope for oh the horizon- blind date with a boxer my friend works with.- maybe. Though with my luck lately I’m not holding my breath. Should just focused on making money and saving it. Tattoo is coming. Need to save up for the outline. Hopefully I am getting around a grand back from taxes. One could hope.
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1 kiss and you Take me in your arms..
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Wednesday, February 25th, 2009
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spent an hour curling my hair this morning, the weather was all nice at home. Drive into daily city and it was a down pour... I have heavy went hair that smells. like wet hair hairspray.
im being pulled every which way. Daly city water department, supercuts sending to every corpate store they own to train but im not really learning how to cut hair. Im learning how to manage- but i wont be a manager so it kinda sucks. I NEED to learn clipper cuts- mens hair cuts and i really hope i get that during my week trainng next week. I know we will go over it i just hope i can pick it up in a weeks worth of time. I also need to practice the haircuts we did go over on the doll head i have home.
Im not super busy at the moment per-say its just all the build up of things i know are coming and how bad will they be? I got the shopping bug, i keep wanting to buy things like i have money but i dont. so im offically nuts. ha! Im really screwing myself.
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Take me in your arms..
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Monday, February 16th, 2009
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journal got hacked and the only thiing that was changed was my defult icon.... thats been changed to this lovely saying " i know you, your damaged"
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4 kisses and you Take me in your arms..
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Thursday, February 12th, 2009
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I feel like abby from NCIS.... i NEED caffine- or drugs to stay awake, which is crazy because iv been sleeping well at night at a decent hour and what not. But i still wake up get to work and with in an hour feel all tired and by lunch im lucky if i dont pass out.
giant rockstar here i come...
still at the water department. all the temps are on edge, not sure when our last day will be... but its coming.. or at least we think so and been told so. Just not all the sure when. Its driving me nuts because im still getting up eevryday and getting my ass in.
Supercuts... yes i shall be working there... in the meantime i am studying, practicing and training up the ass until then-
18th- i go to westportal for a days worth of instore training.
22nd- practice with haircuts on fremont st.
1st to the 6th- more haircuts.- week long training at san leandro.
after that here comes nights and weekends for me doing the chop chop thang.
just one step closer to actually owning my own salon- i GUESS it would be a good idea to actually yea know.. work in one.
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Take me in your arms..
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Sunday, February 8th, 2009
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well iv been looking and what not and found a part time job at super cuts, hahahaha dank pay but its slightly better than unemployment. dosent start until march so hopefully my actual job at the department can last that long. maybe i can talk to her about a full time chair. oh well. better than nothing?
i am hoping everything works out. its all i can do at the moment.
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1 kiss and you Take me in your arms..
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Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009
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im getting laid off and i dont know what to do.
the director of the department came to speak with all us temps and told us he wasnt sure how long he was able to keep us on the payroll. Giving us around two weeks.
im in a fucking panic right now.
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Take me in your arms..
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Wednesday, January 28th, 2009
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having mini panic attacks.... scared
im going to be alone in a little over 72 hours and my job is in danger. more yikes.
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Take me in your arms..
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Tuesday, January 27th, 2009
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Monday, January 26th, 2009
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Today i had the day off from work and so did mom. we went though the garage and pretty much split all the boxes in half, her side and mine. I won... man i have alot of crap. Stuffed animals to boxes and boxes of books (which i cant wait to get up on a book case ) plus alot of just crap. crap from Spa, crap from Cosmo, crap from school. Best part, a whole bucket full of photos ranging back middle school. Man talk about memory lane. Oh yea, even found my sean box. lol. Really Memories!
i cant believe i used to think i was fat in highschool, to be at that weight again, hell! gym gym gym. been hitting the gym.
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Take me in your arms..
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palespider's journal